i am such a fucking pig.
such a fucking pig pig pig pig pig
sick sick sick grrl sic fat fucking pig pig
pig grrl sick grrl
dope grrl dead grrl
 fat fuck fat fucking pig



 

Its hot in here...I am at work at the dr.'s office and i just received a call from my other job at the research center. I am pissed, i get this call saying that my evening hours-which we get an extra $2.00 for- are not valid. Basically they changed evening from 6pm to 9pm. Bullshit! shit. shit....right, the vening starts 3 hours from midnight...

I barely make any money as it is and now they are trying to screw all of us out of that tiny bit of money that makes a bit of difference to each employee. 
Whatever,..,the one perk to that job is that i make my own hours.. anything anytime i want. If we call out, we are not reprimanded and it is to an automated phone machine, you dont talk to anyone when u call out! ha! thats like my dream "call out" scenario. Plus the work itself, is just... tedious at times, not so much complicated.. so i can understand the low dollar rate at which i get paid. But still, i get a call saying that the "extra" hours that i worked this week will not be approved next time...well they were not extra, they were made up from the hours i missed this week. 

You would think if they are so anal, that they would actually check to see what my hours are and that the total is what matters not the days...I'm over it.
~~~Trying really hard not to eat much today..I feel so bloated and oogie. I have such a horrible sweet tooth, that i feel like i am never going to be able to give it up. Self discipline is something that I am working on a lot lately, in many aspects of my life.. but sometimes I feel liek a failure when I cannot control something as simple as not eating a fucking cookie or getting high...
I love fruit though, I eat more fruit than anything and its so much more satisfying than any empty carb garbage.
I know others can relate...my eating is poor, when i eat that is.
And since getting on the methadone, i have gained weight..Its horrible...after I lost 60lbs....I gained back like 20 just from taking the meds. They say it makes you retain water and it definitely makes your sweet tooth stronger...Sick ...right? I am thinking about getting of of it and lowering my dose because i cannot handle feeling this bloated and fat and gross and disguting, you just do not get it....
I have never felt so defeated in my life...
And i am talking about many areas of my life. Defeated in weight and food, defeated in drugs and weight, defeated in keeping my social life social.... i love my boyfriend, dont get me wrong, but c'mon....i need some air.
Sorry, this rant was obnoxious, just feeling a little out of place, and out of my skin today.... I just need to focus... start over.. its never too late to do that right? start over?...
Love you,
Me...

Starting today, after work, i will actually be adding a lot more entries to my journal..
That is if anyone reads this at all..
xoxox
me

i ate too much today. i feel so gross and horrible. i need to get my jaw wired shut. i was trying to keep my intake at 600 or less today and at worst....1000 or less....  i did fine until about 4pm...and i saw my boyfriend.....oh god......it started out okay though---i ate some raw veggies, about 1 cup of them mixed, broccoli, green/red peppers, onion and cucumber. then...it went further and further slowly.
i do not even want to say what i ate..
god help me....i need to puke...
i have the most horrible migraine right now and to top it off i am drinking a drink of vodka n crystal light....
tomorrow.....i am going to do just green tea, water and pineapple if i need some vitamins...
help...
i am going to lay down and try to not freak out..
~~xoxo